Dear Frank,
Hey man. I read your post and I can't help but notice something.
But before I continue, I just want to say that this blog post i'm making is a direct response to your post. With that said, I will continue.
First, let me congratulate you on your post. It really takes courage to write such a deep thought of one's faith and just leave it open for people (like me ofcourse) to read on and comment.
I know most of the things I will mention here in this post will probably ring a bell or two, and end up sounding really redundant. I hope though that it can help you find the fire that I know was once in you.
I can't say how many times I've questioned my faith. I've always said that my conviction is really, really strongly founded in the Lord. Because i've seen what He has done in my life. It may not have been movie-scale-J.J. Abrams-epic-star trek-super nova-explosion like.....but it has certainly felt that way at times.
The same feelings you described.....yeh, i've felt them too. But to be frank (no pun intended), It's perfectly normal. We at some point have to question our faith. I've questioned it. Sometimes I feel like "ahhh screw it, i'm jumping ship", but then I realize something. I get this feeling inside of me.
Can't quite explain it, but if i had to describe it....it is like a.....break-up. Like "well Jesus, it's been fun sir but I just don't know if this can work out". Then I start to feel remorse. Sadness envelopes me and my heart starts to hurt a little. I realize, I can't do that to Him. Not after all He's done (besides die on the cross for my sins). Things like rescue my father from the claws of alcoholism. He liberated my house form domestic violence. Restored a once torn and dysfunctional family.
Saved my life like HUNDREDS of times! (I can't tell you how many life-threatening-events I've gone through in my early childhood.)
Given me a lil' bro. I was an only child for seven years. I was alone most of the time. I felt lonely and I wished so much to have a little brother. God granted my wish. My mom kept saying "it's gonna be a girl" and I would get angry and tell her "no, because I asked God for a little brother". Surely enough, God granted my petition.
I just begin to reminisce on those things. How good has He been to me? God has been in the middle of even the toughest parts of my life (thus far)!! and even though when I was going through the thick of it....I didn't realize it then, but now here...where I am....I realize....that.....he was there the entire TIME!! I was just too caught up in MY problem, that I had forgotten the solution was there....next to me.......IN ME! residing in my heart since I was five years old, when I made the decision to accept Jesuschrist into my heart (granted, I knew little of what I was doing) even though I was really young....I knew that He has the answer to my problems. More like, my parents problems at the time. For they would fight and I would just lie on my bed and cry and wished that they wouldn't fight anymore.
Yeah, and I want to just call it quits on Him?!?!?!?
How can I do that when He's never called it quits on me......and with EVERY right to. I don't deserve His love or sympathy! I don't even deserve to have my life saved by Him, but He went and did it anyway. WHY? (obviously) we know that answer Frank. We both know the "why". I don't follow Him to stay out of Hell (even though, that's a BBIIGG benefit). I follow Him because of the promise I have in Him. Gratitude and Love is all I have for someone who has rescued me.
Yet, why is it we question our faith in Him. You would think that after EVERYTHING he's done in our lives that we wouldn't have doubt, but it's not true. We do doubt still. But, when I doubt I have to realize where the source of that doubt comes from. Doubt isn't from the Lord. Doubt has no business in a Christian's vocabulary. As a matter of fact.....Doubt is the EXACT opposite of Faith. It is then when I realize, that anything that makes me question that....CANNOT....i repeat.....CANNOT come from God, but from the adversary that we face everyday.
The devil is very good with inception. Which is a great movie by the way. He is the MASTER of inception. Putting an idea in your brain, and making you think it was your original though. At first is starts with guilt. Like "I'm not a true Christian, I don't follow God like i'm supposed to".....yeh......and it's true! but then again who does? not even modern day apostles and prophets can claim to live the way God wants us to live. No one is perfect and no one will ever be, so why should you judge yourself so harshly?
Then it doesn't stop there, the idea has already been planted and that seed quickly starts to blossom. Now you feed this guilt..."I feel like He's so far away and i don't know how to get back to Him". Then he creates this illusion (all in your head, using the doubt he has installed in you, that you are now feeding) that going back, is SOOO far and gives this feeling like... when you have a deadline on a paper and that you won't finish in time.
Final phase is when we believe it's over. You give up. Mission accomplished. That's another one for the team. You've fallen for the greatest lie ever told. That we are too far to reconnect. No Frank, I'm writing this to say to you that you can RUN and even SPRINT many steps away from the Lord, but It only takes ONE step of faith, just one tiny speck of faith to go back and repent, pick-up your cross and keep going.
After all, it is a race to the finish line......... and if you just sit and think "Gosh it's too damn far, I'll never finish this race..." all of a sudden, you feel a hand on your back and you turn around...and there He is, and with a calm voice tells you "Don't worry, we're almost there"
